An Honest Mess
by Faolain
Summary: Varric's love life had been a mess for the better part of his life. A certain Seeker saw right through him when no one else bothered looking. Cassarric, mentioning of Varric/Bianca and Hawke/Anders
**AN: Gosh, it's been a while since I've written anything! I blame this one on BioWare and their awesome team who gifted us with all these wonderful characters! Enjoy! :)**

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An Honest Mess

Varric sighed and sat down on the ice cold rock in the small grove. He desperately needed some time to think and aside from Hawke no one knew the tunnel that lead to the frozen lake and the well hidden grove at the foot of Skyhold. That was how he'd gotten Hawke in without Cassandra noticing. It was a wonder anything grew there with all the cold and snow but he wasn't one to complain about his only opportunity to retreat and be away from the blinding white surrounding the castle.

The dwarf sighed deeply. He thought he'd seen it all but he hadn't seen Bianca coming. Literally. She had appeared out of nowhere and thrown his world upside down. A part of him long forgotten and asleep in the smallest corners of his heart was now wide awake and basically screaming at him nonstop. Fool. A big - at least as big as a dwarf could get - stupid, idiotic fool.

A soft noise in the snow right behind him caught his attention. He whirled around, grabbed his crossbow and fired an arrow straight at the source by instinct. Metal hit metal, a sword skillfully deflected his attack.

"Argh, shit!"

"Varric!"

It was beyond him how she of all people had found him here.

"What do you want, Seeker? Came to gloat?" he asked. Cassandra's eyes had drilled holes into his back since the Inquisitor had handed her the report of their little trip to Vallamar. He knew it was just a matter of time until she would attack and pester him, he just hadn't expected it to be so soon.

"No." She paused and eased from battle ready into a more relaxed posture. "I just… Are you all right?"

"What does it look like to you, Seeker?" he sneered. She flopped down next to him in the most graceful manner he'd ever seen in reply. "I came here to be alone, you know? How did you find me anyway?"

"I've been vigilant, Varric. Ever since the Champion came to the castle completely unnoticed I figured there must be another way. And I eventually found it. You should have told someone about this tunnel. We can't afford liabilities in our defense."

"Ah, so you came to berate me. How considerate of you," he spat. "No need to worry, you found out and I'm sure you'll have it guarded somehow."

"Leliana's keeping a tab on it since. She's know for quite a while." Some hint of hurt could be heard in the Seeker's voice. It seemed like everyone was keeping secrets from her. "And no, I didn't come to berate you. I came to keep you company when you most need it."

"When I most need it?" He laughed, bitter and dry. "Humor me, Seeker."

"Don't laugh." Her cheeks became a little pink but Varric wasn't sure if the exposure to the cold tinted them or if it was something else. "Everyone confides in you. Hawke, the Inquisitor, Sera,… even Cullen talks to you about… things." She made a face for a second, quickly schooling her features back into the practiced mask. "You get along with almost everyone and you've perfected your game of getting stories from people without effort. They tell you everything about their burdens willingly. But you on the other hand have no one you can talk to. Everyone's too busy to notice you aren't holding up well." She sighed. "It's been a week since she left and you are still not yourself. Completely out of sorts, even for your standards."

The dwarf cast a sideway glance at the woman next to him. "Are you stalking me, Seeker?"

She stared at some point in the faraway distance, but the tint on her cheeks became a little darker. "Just keeping a close eye on my team."

"So what do you want to hear? That I'm miserable? That I miss her? This is not a romance novel, you know?"

"I'm aware. If it were you'd wallow some more, she'd come back and you would have a happy ending. But that's not going to happen, is it?"

He'd been set on telling Cassandra to fuck off and bother someone else but the usually hard brown eyes of the Nevarran were fixed on him in a way that made him close his mouth and swallow his words. There was worry and genuine concern, a disarming and open sincerity. He couldn't bring himself to snap at her. For a brief moment she reminded him of Anders and he felt another pang in his heart. He pressed his lips together before he intently studied the ground between his feet. He'd looked too deep into her eyes to continue talking. It was easier when he couldn't watch her emotions flickering and dancing in the fading sunlight.

"When Bianca showed up in person I knew it meant business. We've been in contact for all these years but there's usually a whole continent between us. We meet occasionally in secret, away from prying eyes. I got used to it. To waiting and secrets, I mean. Just being in the hall of Skyhold with her felt so wrong it almost physically hurt."

Cassandra kept silent, her eyes fixed on him while he was busy looking at the ground.

"I'm sure you know from the report she was the leak. Big shit of a disaster… It made me realize some things."

"What kind of things?" she inquired softly.

"Well, for one, that I'm a fool."

"Don't say that. You are in love. It doesn't justify everything but…"

He snorted. „I was in love. A long long time ago. When we met all those years ago we were like two pieces of the same soul, at least that's what I thought. We finished each others sentences. We knew what the other was thinking even before speaking it out loud. And man, we did some crazy shit! Riled the wrong people up on purpose and got a kick out of it."

"What happened then?"

"She married another and I was forced to stay away from her as far as possible."

"That's terrible! Why did she do that?"

Varric chuckled, his eyes still trained on the ground. „Indeed, why did she do it? I've been asking myself this question for the last 15 years, Seeker. We had everything planned, run away from Kirkwall, change our names, travel to another continent and live together for the rest of our lives without caring about the past. So why did she marry a man her family had picked for her over being on the run with me?"

"Maybe her family had ways to pressure her into it?" the Seeker offered.

"Of course." His eyes snapped from the ground to hers and he stared her dead in the eyes. "But do you know what Hawke did after Anders blew up the chantry?"

Cassandra's eyes widened and her lips parted a small fraction, comprehension slowly creeping over her features in the most horrific manner possible. "She spared his life, sided with the mages and ran away with him even though she knew he was possessed by a spirit." Her brows knitted together and she bit her lower lip. "And she knew the whole world would be against them," she added whispering.

"Exactly." The anger, hurt and disappointment in his voice was almost tangible.

The silence that followed hung heavy between the pair and far off in the distance the sun began to set, coloring the mountain view in a golden warmth so different to the biting cold and fresh air they both felt washing over them with every gust of wind. Both were unsure of what to do next and the dwarf was grateful for her silence. He couldn't take pity, but he could deal with silence. He was used to people listening to him, that made it somewhat easier. Telling Bianca's, or rather his own story, was a first. It was difficult and yet the words kept spilling from his mouth.

"That's not even the worst, you know?" he continued after a while in a significantly smaller voice. "I could have warned Hawke. I had a strange feeling after a while. I knew Anders was up to something and even back then during that last year in Kirkwall he made her miserable, hurt her time and time again with his odd behavior. He used her but I turned a blind eye. Some silly notion that love was never easy and some heartbreak belonged into every relationship. If I hadn't been so caught up in my own mess with Bianca I would have realized how wrong it all was. Maybe Hawke wouldn't be so broken. Damaged yes, but not as ruined and destroyed as she is right now. And I only have myself to blame."

Cassandra visibly swallowed a lump in her throat, one hand found it's way onto his shoulder. Even in his moment of distress he did nothing but worry about his friends and her heart wen't out to him. "Don't blame yourself, Varric."

"There's no one else to blame but me," he stated matter of factly.

"Hawke is a strong woman. She wouldn't have listened to you anyway."

"I know. But still… I don't know what's worse."

"What do you mean?"

"I saw how Anders used Hawke. And I'm still unsure if he ever truly loved her. Hawke probably knew too and silently endured. But I was too blind to acknowledge that Bianca and I were pretty much the same. She could have set me free but she kept me around, trappend into this impossible thing we had. She was too selfish to let me go." He took a shuddering deep breath. "A part of me had known since before the world became so chaotic. I wasted the better part of my life bending to her every whim, even risking my life every time she fancied seeing me. The consequences were always on my head, not hers. I've played this game for far too long and I was happy pretending, ditching opportunities left and right because of the oh so mysterious woman I never told anyone about. And now it's over. I can't pretend anymore. It hurt seeing her, but hurt was the only feeling present."

Cassandra inched closer, pulling him into a stiff hug. She never was good with words. "At least you didn't waste your whole life. Just a fraction."

Varric's arms sneaked around her lithe body and pulled her closer, burying his face in the crook of her neck in the process. "Yeah." Another bitter chuckle followed. "I'm free now. But I'm not used to it. I wish I weren't…" He inhaled deeply. "I'm a fool."

Her warmth and scent were everything he needed to calm down. He clutched at her like a drowning man, inhaling sandalwood and a hint of jasmine mixed with something he couldn't decipher. Scents usually connected to the chantry accompanied by something entirely it's own. If freedom and peace of mind had a smell he was sure this was it and it came along as the very essence of Cassandra Pentaghast. It was intoxicating and he wanted - _needed_ \- more.

"A fool you might be. But feelings are… complicated," she whispered hoarsely into his ear. Her Nevarran accent lilted over him like a song long forgotten, fogging his mind and pushing the weight of the world he always felt on his shoulders away from him.

The last faint rays of sunlight touched the earth around them, dusk slowly made way for the darkness of the night. The temperature had plummeted noticeable in the short spawn they've sat together but neither cared. The moment it was almost too dark to see, their lips met and two pairs of hands desperately tucked at any kind of fabric they came in contact with. Soon, limbs were entangled in another kind of mess. At least it was an honest one.


End file.
